TAXMAN, HANDS OFF MY SPARE ROOM

I nearly choked on my morning coffee the other day when I read that the government is toying with the idea of slapping households with extra tax for—wait for it—having too many rooms. Yes, we’re now in the era of Big Brother meets Better Homes & Gardens, where owning a couple of spare rooms isn’t a personal choice but a moral failing. Apparently, your home might soon be treated like a boarding house that isn’t pulling its weight in the middle of a housing crisis.

Now, forgive me, but since when did owning a couple of spare rooms turn into a bad thing? Are they planning to have government officials with clipboards knocking on doors to inspect whether your third bedroom is a sewing room, a study, or just a place where the treadmill goes to die?

The reasoning, so they say, is to tackle the housing crisis. Because clearly, the best way to fix a shortage of affordable homes is to guilt-trip you into renting out your sewing room to complete strangers. Or — and I’m just guessing here — maybe they want to encourage couples to fill those rooms with babies. “Sorry, honey, we need triplets or we’re going to owe the government $3,000 a year!” Or maybe it’s just another sneaky way to line the government’s coffers for more… let’s call them essential projects—like football ovals, consulting reports no one reads, or—dare I say—politician perks.

Whatever the reason, the whole thing is ludicrous. Instead of dreaming up ways to punish people for having a home that doesn’t look like a sardine tin, maybe focus on, oh, I don’t know, building more houses?

Honestly, the government should hang their heads in shame for even thinking about such a ridiculous scheme. Or better yet, hang their faces in shame—because if they go through with it, they’re going to need somewhere to hide.

Whatever the motive, the whole thing is ludicrous. So, in the true Aussie spirit of cheeky rebellion, I present to you:

The Room Tax Survival Guide: How to Outsmart the Taxman

1. The Library Trick

Convert your spare room into a “community resource centre". Fill it with dusty encyclopaedias, a beanbag, and one of those fancy ladders that slide along the wall. Bonus points if you add a “Quiet Please” sign. Nobody taxes a library.

2. Declare It a Shrine

Pop a single painting on the wall, place a candle in front of it, and call it art. Rope off the door like it’s the Mona Lisa. Or place a boomerang on display. Now it’s not a bedroom — it’s a cultural contribution.

3. The Fitness Mirage

Roll in a treadmill, a yoga mat, and a single dumbbell you’ll never use. When the inspector arrives, sigh dramatically and say, “It’s part of my wellness journey.”

4. Disguise It as Storage

Dump a few boxes labelled Christmas Decorations 2008 and Miscellaneous Cables – Do Not Touch. Everyone knows that once a room becomes the Land of Lost Things, it’s no longer a functional living space.

5. The Pet Palace

Lay down a scratching post and a pet bed. Tell them it’s for rescue kittens. Even the coldest tax inspector isn’t going to tax a home for abandoned cats.

6. The Home Office Gambit

Stick in a desk, a dead-looking succulent, and a broken printer. Call it “mission control” or “productivity HQ.” Governments love a good home office.

Or… Here’s a Thought

Instead of dreaming up bizarre schemes to punish people for owning homes that don’t look like shoeboxes, maybe the government could… I don’t know… build more houses? Radical idea, I know.

Until then, if this Room Tax becomes real, you know what to do: grab a yoga mat, a bookshelf, and a box of fake kittens — and turn that spare room into the least taxable space in the country.

Because if they go ahead with such a ridiculous idea, they deserve to be duped.