SMARTPHONE ETIQUETTE: UNWRITTEN RULES

Picture this: You’re at a lovely dinner, soft jazz crooning in the background, a candle flickering romantically, and just as you’re about to take your first bite, someone’s phone blares a techno remix of “Baby Shark.” Ah, the sweet symphony of the smartphone era. We’ve come a long way, but perhaps it’s time for a crash course in smartphone etiquette. Let’s dig into the do’s, don’ts, and downright disasters of this modern conundrum.

Rule #1: The Phantom Vibrator Syndrome

We all know that person who checks their phone every five seconds, convinced it’s vibrating even when it’s not. Unless your name is Batman and Gotham’s fate rests on your thumbs, maybe—just maybe—it’s okay to let that notification wait. Remember, the world didn’t end before notifications existed.

Rule #2: Group Chat Purgatory

Group chats are the digital equivalent of 'bring a plate' dinners. Everyone’s bringing something, but it’s rarely what you need. The rule here? Don’t be the person who sends “LOL” after every message or who responds to a serious query with 17 unrelated emojis. And for heaven’s sake, mute your notifications when you’re in a meeting—no one wants to hear your phone ping like a malfunctioning pinball machine. And when your meeting is in the office, don't bring your phone in with you and sit it right in front of you face upwards. The temptation to glance at it every two seconds is irresistable. And, if you think your manager can't tell you are texting under the table, you'd better think again. I would definitely ban phones in meetings unless someone is on call for emergencies.

Rule #3: The Selfie Conundrum

Ah, the selfie—a timeless art form that peaked somewhere between “duck face” and “accidental double chin.” But there’s a fine line between self-expression and self-obsession. If you’re holding up brunch because your avocado toast hasn’t been photographed in the right light, you might want to reconsider your priorities. Your followers will survive without knowing what you’re eating.

Rule #4: Public Speaking, Smartphone Edition

Using speakerphone in public spaces should be classified as a minor misdemeanour. No one on the train wants to hear about Aunt Linda’s bunion surgery or your detailed critique of last night’s reality TV episode. Invest in headphones. Better yet, text.

Rule #5: The Eternal Scroll

Have you ever been in a conversation only to realise your counterpart’s eyes have glazed over, glued to their screen? This is called “phubbing”—phone snubbing—and it’s the modern equivalent of turning your back on someone mid-sentence. A simple fix? Look up. Engage. Remember that the person in front of you is a real human, not an app notification. Pay attention when you cross the road or even walk along the footpath. Cars don't make allowances for you nor do footpath hazards and obstacles.

Rule #6: Digital PDA (Public Display of Absurdity)

We’ve all seen it: couples sitting at a romantic dinner, not speaking, each engrossed in their own device. Love in the time of Wi-Fi, indeed. If you’re out with someone, and especially when you are sitting opposite them in a restaurant, put the phone down. Better still, put it out of sight and away from temptation. The world won't fall apart, nor will Tay Tay break up with her partner during the hour or so you are devoting your attention to someone you care about.

Rule #7: The Peril of Pocket Dialing

In this age of hyperconnectivity, it’s a marvel we’re still plagued by pocket dialling, the modern annoyance of accidentally calling someone with your phone while it's in your pocket or purse.

Solution: lock your phone. It's like stumbling upon a cryptic foreign-language indie film without subtitles. Let's spare ourselves and others from this unintentional audio drama!

Rule #8: Overzealous Notifications

Why does your phone buzz every time a celebrity posts on Instagram? Why does it announce every minor weather update? Streamline your notifications, folks. Unless there’s a tornado heading your way or you’re a Kardashian’s social media manager, most of these can wait.

Rule #9: The “One More Thing” Syndrome

If you’re in line at a coffee shop, this isn’t the time to answer emails or finalise your fantasy football lineup. Have your payment ready. The person behind you will silently thank you for sparing them from another minute of latte limbo.

Rule #10: Zoom Calls in Chaos

Finally, for the love of mute buttons, let’s address Zoom etiquette. With the proliferation of Zoom meetings since the Age of COVID, everyone has discovered their usefulness but no one needs to hear your dog barking, your kids screaming, or your lunch crunching. Mute yourself when not speaking. Bonus points if you blur your background to hide the laundry pile.

In Conclusion: Humanity Over Handsets

Smartphones are marvels of modern technology, but they’re not substitutes for basic human interaction. So, next time you’re tempted to whip out your phone, pause and think: Is this necessary? Will it enhance or hinder the moment? And most importantly, will it make people roll their eyes?

In the end, good smartphone etiquette isn’t just about following rules; it’s about being mindful. So go forth, my digital darlings, and text responsibly. But if you’re reading this on your phone while walking into oncoming traffic… well, maybe you’re beyond help.