A DRINKING PROBLEM

Have you ever had a colonoscopy? Well, let me tell you all about it. Scheduled for my five yearly colon checkup, I booked in my procedure for the Tuesday morning at 8am.

Now the colonoscopy part is easy—an oxygen mask and a needle in the arm and before you can say 'Was that the anaesthetic?' 'ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz'. The guelling part is the two previous days.

On the Sunday I could eat only bland foods—no nuts, seeds, tomatoes, bananas, red wine, red cordial etc. Nothing that could lodge itself in my bowel and pretend to be something sinister. At 3.30pm I had my last meal—a cup of tea and a biscuit. At 4pm I had to mix a sachet of white powder in a litre of water and drink it over the next hour. This was followed by 2 litres of water. I was allowed nothing to eat from then on until after the procedure (a whole 44 hours). Then the gurgling started and several trips to the loo.

The next day, all was well in the morning except those packets of white powder ominously staring at me from the kitchen bench. At 2pm I had to drink a different white powder which was slightly easier to swallow—citrus flavoured and effervescent mixed with a cup of water. Not too bad. This had to be followed by a litre of water. The gushing started and repeated every half hour or so. By this time the sphincter was protesting, and the bottom was starting to hurt from the inevitable aggravation. This is when a bidet would come in handy. Not sure why these handy appliances haven't caught on in Australia. Of course the gushing wasn't neat and tidy. It splashed all over the toilet bowl and often onto the underside of the seat. So cleaning up with antiseptic wipes after every explosion was mandatory.

4pm heralded another sachet of white powder mixed with a litre of water followed by 2 litres of fluids over the next hour. How much more liquid could my body hold? This was certainly making up for the days when I failed to drink my required 8 glasses of water. The next dose of powder was taken at 6pm, once again followed by 2 litres of fluids.

My partner had bought 2 pizzas for his dinner, and I could smell it. Then the sadist had some ice-cream, and all I could do was grimace in between bum-clenches and loo trips. I then got smart, and decided to vary my fluids a bit. I had a cup of clear chicken broth, followed by a large glass of white wine. That took care of 500ml. Then a glass of lemonade and another glass of wine. Funnily, the wine went down much more easily than the water.

By the end of the evening I was pooing almost clear fluid, and unfortunately this went on throughout the night. Every time I felt a gurgle in my tummy I clenched to make sure nothing came out of its own accord before I managed to reach the toilet.

Tuesday was the day. Up at 6am and at the hospital by 8am. Gowned up in the latest hospital fashion, I joined the other patients awaiting procedures. There were mainly older people having cataract surgery as they had a sticker with a cross on it above one of their eyes. No, it wasn't for target practice, but to ensure the doctor operated on the correct eye.

The procedure itself was over in a jiffy, it seemed, and the report from the doc reassured me that all was well, except for a polyp they found and removed. I asked about haemorrhoids and was informed that everyone has them, but in some people, they prolapse and cause issues. Comforting? Not really. But I'll take the doctor's advice about eating a cup of All-Bran every day from now on.

And there you have it, folks. My colonoscopy saga in all its glory. If you've ever thought about skipping your checkup, just remember: it's all fun and games until someone finds a polyp. Stay healthy, and may your toilet paper always be within reach!